


to transcend Love

by Pi (Rhea)



Category: Loveless
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-23
Updated: 2011-11-23
Packaged: 2017-10-26 11:34:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/282562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhea/pseuds/Pi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ritsuka finds another way. Written for kink bingo prompt "obedience". Spoilers through volume 8, some references to early volume 9. Italic sentences are quotes directly from the manga (or paraphrased if not in quotation marks).</p>
            </blockquote>





	to transcend Love

Ritsuka hasn't forgotten Youji's comment that he's not using Soubi correctly. However, it's something that's hard to remember when your supposedly dead brother's writing messages on walls to you with the blood from someone else's eyeballs. Ritsuka has never been good at dealing with things like this. Ritsuka thinks he hasn't been good with dealing with a lot. Ritsuka doesn't _deal_ , he is. Ritsuka, at least this one, Ritsuka doesn't know about the old one, is a master of acceptance. Ritsuka bares the brunt of his mothers fear and anger. Ritsuka doesn't scream, and accepts her biting nails, smashed dishes and the occasional stabbing fork with a cautious calm. Ritsuka's life has long stopped being surreal.

Ritsuka accepted Soubi, like he accepts everything about his brother. Ritsuka accepted good grades, no friends, and therapy every week. Ritsuka greets the world by letting it roll over him. He has his moral code, if nobody's getting hurt, really hurt, it's okay. Rituska will stand up for his friends, he will defend his brother's memory, but Ritsuka has never learned to give orders. Never learned to ask for things for himself.  
"If the master is confused, it's the dog that gets mislead," Youji had said. Ritsuka doesn't know what he wants, except that he doesn't want people to get hurt. And he wants to know what happened to his brother. Soubi's not a dog and Soubi doesn't obey. He turns his phone off, and like every other adult, he's unreliable. Like everyone but Seimei. But Soubi is better than that as well. Soubi who makes him eat nutritious food, which is still tasty. Soubi who talks kindly with Ritsuka's friends and follows Ritsuka around. Soubi who laid his head on Ritsuka's bound legs and asked _could they please leave?_ Soubi never asks for anything. Ritsuka said no.

Ritsuka wonders if that makes him a bad Sacrifice. The one time he knew what he wanted, he was to self involved to see beyond his own obsession. Soubi was afraid, and now Ritsuka knows why. Seimei has always know what he wants. Seimei has always controlled everything. Seimei structured Ritsuka's world as long as he can remember. That is in essence what he told Seven. It was to Seimei's voice and smile that Ritsuka awoke, and to the sound of Seimei's fingers tapping on the keys that he fell asleep. Seimei fed him, clothed him, bathed him. His world began and ended with Seimei and the world outside that was a scary one where his mother raved and therapists and teachers looked concerned. And now Seimei's giving him a choice. Ritsuka never had to choose for himself before. It feels like a physical pain, tight in his chest. Ritsuka has always loved Seimei, but Seimei asks Ritsuka to cease being Rituska.

Ritsuka's not commanding, but he's not like Soubi either. Ritsuka thinks, maybe one day, if Seimei hadn't had died Ritsuka might have been Soubi. Soubi who doesn't find his own pain strange, in the same way Ritsuka has come to accept the world. Soubi, for whom Seimei's word is law. Ritsuka wonders if he should have tried harder. Soubi has learned he thinks, Kio said so. Soubi has learned to bow to a gentle touch. Soubi has learned not to kill, not to hurt. Soubi has learned, but not enough. Ritsuka hasn't known himself. Ritsuka cannot choose Seimei over everything.

Seimei says _Ritsuka is the only perosn alive that is exactly the same as I am._ Ritsuka trys not to listen, not to be caught in the trap of Seimei's voice. Ritsuka is _not_ Seimei, he can never be Seimei. Ritsuka is Ritsuka and Soubi is Soubi and maybe that faith will be enough. _"I love you"_ Ritsuka says, because it's true. And _"I still forgive you"_ because he does, he has always accepted Seimei. But, _"I belong to myself."_ His voice carrys the note of a triumphant spell. Ritsuka may not know what he wants, but he does know who he is. Maybe that surety is what matters.

Soubi stands behind him and Ritsuka knows for an instant that they've won. _"I forgive you but I'm still mad at you for what you've done."_ Then the world comes crashing down in a shatter of glass. Soubi's face is wrenched and Ritsuka feels that answering twist in his own heart. Seimei's word, is still absolute law. But then they are alone, and safe. The Zeros quiver in the background and Ritsuka knows, looking at Soubi, he has his work cut out for him.

They leave the school in the wreck it is, blood on the walls, smashed windows, cut power and scattered students. Ritsuka sees the look Youji gives him, as they tow a blank and resistless Soubi behind them. Ritsuka doesn't know what to do, and his concern makes him snap. Soubi's, repetative, quiet, self-flagglating _"No."_ pisses Ritsuka off. He can't help snapping _"Why are you using such vile words to describe yourself."_ Ritsuka doesn't know how to fix this but he knows that he will try. He takes a deep breath to calm himself. He first tries being normal. _"Get undressed. I'm really exhauseted. So hurry up, okay?"_ The words are perhaps overly harsh, but they're direct and hard to misinterpret. Ritsuka hopes Soubi will hear the concern in his tone. Ritsuka only really orders Soubi when Soubi's hurting himself. Just looking at Soubi's face it's clear Soubi's hurting himself.

Ritsuka has always known the type of hurt that only shows on someone's face is always the worst. That is the type of hurt that causes Yuiko to speak in third person. It's the type of hurt that makes his mother violent. And, perhaps, it's the type of hurt that Ritsuka and Soubi both carry like house, decorrated by the past, deeply buried words and sounds, the smell of gasoline, and the exact shade of death in a pinned butterfly. Ritsuka shifts over for Soubi to slide in next to him in the room's single bed. Soubi wears only his long shirt and keeps a careful distance around himself. Ritsuka knows he's faking sleep. After a few minutes Ritsuka sighs.

The night has been long already, but there are still several hours till morning. Besides no one will expect them to be up early. Ritsuka sits up and shifts. Soubi's eyes open, but he stays still and compliant while Ritsuka situates himself, sitting close beside his head. Ritsuka begins running his hands through Soubi's hair. Yuiko says her mother soothes her to sleep, finger combing her hair when there are thunderstomes. Ritsuka wonders if anyone ever stroked Soubi's forehead into sleep.

After a few moment's Soubi begins to lean into the touch.  
"It's not the truth." Ritsuka says, and his voice is quiet, but firm. Soubi doesn't answer. He doesn't move and he doesn't speak but he doesn't withdraw either.  
"You're not a traitor. You're still doing what he told you." Ritsuka feels like he's feeling his way in the dark. "Soubi, he gave you to me. You can't take back a gift." Ritsuka speaks with all the surety of a child.

Presents aren't something you can take away. That's rude, and cruel. Seimei has never been cruel to Ritsuka. Ritsuka refuses to believe it. Ritsuka forgets the smell of gasoline, he forgets the way Seimei's hands always held him just a little to hard. Seimei forces him to make the hard choices, that isn't cruelty. Ritsuka is Ritsuka's and no one else. Or maybe, maybe Ritsuka can be something to Soubi. No, Ritsuka knows he is something to Soubi.  
"Seimei loves me." Ritsuka says with conviction. Seimei says it, and it is perhaps the only true thing he's ever said. Maybe, if it's all lies, Ritsuka can believe in _that_. "He can't take back a gift. Soubi, you are a gift." Ritsuka leans over. The long hair at the side of his face falls forward, almost touching Soubi. Soubi doesn't meet his eyes. "Soubi, you are my Fighter." Ritsuka tries again. It's probably not the right thing to say.

All the things Soubi thinks of, being a fighter. Kio's words, Soubi as a blank form. Soubi's almost playful comments to Youji, _"You could sit outside for a thousand years and he still wouldn't talk to you."_ Ritsuka hadn't thought of it at the time, beyond a brief awareness that Youji was now locked out of the room. But that was how Soubi saw himself? Ritsuka has been trying so hard. Trying not to let Soubi fight alone. For it to be the two of them. It's difficult because Soubi is difficult, and confusing, but Ritsuka thinks he might be coming to understand. Not why perhaps, but how.

Youji had said, _"You don't know how to use Soubi at all."_ Soubi and Seimei were famous, Soubi and Ritsuka are always on the brink of falling appart. But Ritsuka isn't Seimei and there has to be another way. Ritsuka knows Soubi. Soubi is very strong, but it's untrue that he 'has no sense of self'. Ritsuka understands. It's not that Soubi doesn't know himself. Soubi knows himself better than anyone, and chooses to let go. Soubi chooses to put Seimei's every word first. Soubi has been trained to put Seimei's every word before himself, but when it counts Soubi has held himself against what Seimei is. Soubi said, _"Don't answer him Ritsuka"_ and it was then that Ritsuka had felt the clawlike grip Seimei had on his arms.

Soubi is not a thing. Ritsuka is not a thing. Ritsuka's hand stills as he realizes, Soubi doesn't need to learn, or unlearn anything. Soubi is so strong already, Soubi just needs to be believed.  
"Soubi, I believe in you. You believed in Seimei, but now I need you to listen to me." Ritsuka sees the tension in Soubi's face. Soubi is waiting, wanting to hear. Ritsuka takes a deep breath. "Seimei is lying. I know Seimei is lying. And I know you lied. I forgive you. And I forgive Seimei. But, but I don't forgive Seimei for what he did to you. You're worth more than that." Ritsuka feels the words he's said to Yuiko.  
"Is that an order?" Soubi's voice is a rasp. Ritsuka can hear the weight of guilt, and a deep, emotional desire.  
"No." Ritsuka says, but before Soubi can slip away, he has Soubi's face held firm between his hands. "It's not an order. It's not an order because I don't need to order you. I will never tell you anything but the truth. I know you will believe me Soubi. You don't need an order to do what I say." Soubi feels like he's vibrating under Ritsuka's fingers. "I can tell you what to do, and you can choose to ask why. I will explain. And I will be right. Seimei's word might be law, but my word is truth and the truth will always win in the end." Ritsuka's voice is triumphant. And he feels the moment Soubi starts to relax.

The stillness that seeps into his body is astounding, like watching years of tension sliding off. Soubi relaxes into the bed, his cheek turning to rest against Ritsuka's leg. Ritsuka resumes petting his hair, riding a giddy feeling of elation. Ritsuka has Soubi in a way Seimei never will. Seimei never understood, but Ritsuka can. Ritsuka is Soubi, they are the same name. Maybe not Loveless or Beloved, maybe something that transcends Love. Soubi will never have to fight alone, and neither will Ritsuka. They can take Seimei, Ritsuka knows it in his core. Seimei relies too much on control. Ritsuka and Soubi know how to accept, and that which bends will not break. Seimei has never bent once in his life. Soubi's eyes watch him as Ritsuka slides down the bed, holding up the covers so he can wriggle down inside.  
"Sleep." Ritsuka whispers. Soubi closes his eyes. Ritsuka knows the night won't stretch on forever. Inevitably the sun will soon rise. Ritsuka leans up just slightly and places a light kiss on Soubi's lips. Soubi doesn't stir, his breathing slow and even in sleep. Ritsuka curls close in beside him. Soubi's heat and breath guide him to sleep.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] to transcend Love](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8287850) by [Hananobira](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hananobira/pseuds/Hananobira)




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